Shadow of the Fool
by Reiya Wakayama
Summary: M/G, A/M, pre-slash, a glimpse behind the fool's mask.


**Title:** Shadow of the Fool

**Disclaimer:** Merlin is owned by the BBC and other associated parties. I do not make any profit from this story and the plot is purely fiction.

**Summary:** M/G, A/M, pre-slash, a glimpse behind the fool's mask.

**Rating:** G

**Warnings:** angst, pre-slash, 3x11 spoilers BIG TIME, BEWARE IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE EPISODE YET.

**Pairings:** MerlinxGilli, ArthurxMerlin (mostly one-sided for Arthur)

**Word Count:** 1,120

**Author's Note:** **WARNING: SPOILERS!** This episode was really sad, when Merlin and Gilli were talking before he fought Uther. He looked so; I won't say broken, maybe aching, for some form of recognition. It makes you realize that there's so much to Merlin you don't normally get to see, sides, he hides.

Alright, done fangazaming now, what I meant to say was that I really wanted to know what would happen if Arthur saw and overheard their conversation and yes this is an 'Arthur finds out' fic. Lol, enjoy.

xXx

He'd gone searching for Merlin, the idiot, he needed some stuff done. Seeing his tall, lanky form duck into the inn up ahead, he'd followed, wondering who his manservant could be visiting. A quick glance showed that he wasn't in the main room, so he made a bee line for the stairs leading up into the second floor.

The unmistakable sound of Merlin yelling reached him just as he reached the top. _"I thought you weren't going to fight!"_

He hears a murmur of someone answering and he edges closer, listening intently. _"…their showing me respect. You don't know what that's like for me."_ Their voice is soft, younger then what he was expecting to hear.

_"I do."_

_"No…no one does."_

He nearly jumps as footsteps head towards the door, but instead of walking out, Merlin shuts it. Arthur creeps forward, peering through the thin crack between door and wall, able to make out Merlin's shadowed back and the other man, the one Uther is to fight tomorrow.

He can't hear what Merlin whispers, long fingers curling into a fist as he holds it out to the other male. As he opens his fist again, his blood runs cold at the sight of flames dancing in Merlin's palm, not even bothering the man…sorcerer. He has to struggle to keep his erratic breathing quiet as he listens to the two.

_"It's…lonely. To…be more powerful than any man you know and have to live like a shadow. To…be special and have to pretend you're a fool. I know how it feels. I…understand."_

_"Then you understand why I have to fight?If Uther is killed, so what! How many of our kind have died at his hand? How many more will? It's time those with magic fought back!"_ Merlin's just shaking his head, still not speaking.

"_Gilli…"_

_"You can't tell me what to do!"_

_"You need to learn to use your magic for good! That is its true purpose! It's not meant for your own vanity!"_

_"I'm not going to apologize for who I am! You can be a servant and…and pretend you're less than them…but I'm not gonna…"_

_"No…that's not what I do!"_

_"No? You're defending the king! Protecting a man that would have you dead!"_

_"I'm protecting you!"_

_"You've been pretending for so long now…that you've actually forgotten who you are."_

_"T-that's not true."_ He retorts, voice wavering.

_"Isn't it?"_

_"No."_ He firms his defense.

_"It's time someone struck a blow for the likes of you and me…and if you're too weak, than I will."_ Arthur barely has time to fling himself into an empty room and shut the door before the other man storms out, leaving Merlin standing in the room, still as a statue.

* * *

The night is a long one as he struggles with this new knowledge that he has acquired. Merlin, a sorcerer and not just a sorcerer, but one that is protecting Camelot, Arthur, and Uther. He can't figure out why he would be so stupid as to come here. Why did he feel the need to protect a man who would have his head?

He'd heard the emotion in his voice, the low simmering bitterness of the whole situation, the desperation for Gilli to understand, to see his reasoning, the way he had wavered in his defense, as if not sure even he know why he does it.

For purposes, Merlin could probably destroy Camelot and barely break a sweat and yet he lowers himself as a servant in a kingdom full of such danger to his kind. His thoughts were spinning, making him more and more dizzy, sleep eluding him as he tried to sort through the mire of his loyalties, relationships with his father and Merlin, and his duties to protect his people and Camelot.

He is no closer to his answer as dawn arrives and he wavers, the weight heavy on his shoulders as he leans towards revealing all to Uther. And then Merlin comes in, all smiles, with his breakfast, hand calloused and roughened by hard labor, to set the meal down on the table and walks over to sort out his clothes for the day, his chainmail shaken out to realign all the links.

Why? Why do all this when he would be praised and near worshipped somewhere else? Why lower yourself and live with the constant fear of discovery and the threat of death? Merlin turns back to him, as if sensing his disquiet and smiles, that large goofy grin that does nothing for his ears and the answer hits him in the gut like a metal gantlet. He is the reason, Merlin has remained. Not Uther, not Camelot, but Arthur, the sometimes friend of his clumsy manservant.

* * *

As the fight starts, his eyes stray constantly between his father, Gilli, and Merlin who is stood to the back of the crowd, face stoic, eyes sad, guilty, but determined. He knows that Merlin is willing to sacrifice this man, so long as it keeps Uther alive, keeps Arthur from losing the last of his family. He feels like crying and shoves it off. He is prince and tears were for women.

* * *

He follows him back to the inn, knowing he is going to speak with the still breathing man. He hides in his original spot. _"I didn't have a choice."_

_"You did what you had to do…and you betrayed your kind."_

_"No, that was you. You betrayed us. You'd have won…but you were going to kill the king anyways? There's no honor in that…ah, look inside yourself. You can do better than this. Magic is not meant for fighting…it's not meant to bring you glory."_

_"I never understood my father. I thought that he was afraid of magic, but he wasn't. He was afraid of what it can do, how it can corrupt. I know now that he…he was strong. Well, he was stronger than me. I'm sorry."_

_"Now, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but one day magic will be permitted once again and when that day arrives…you'll no longer have to hide who you are. Your gifts will be recognized…and we'll be free. Who knows, maybe then, our paths will cross again."_

_"I hope so."_

_"Oh, they will…we're kin."_

_"Kin."_

As the two leave, he can't help but replay Merlin's words over again in his head. He knew what Merlin was referring to, the hope that the sorcerer is placing on him feels enormous…and yet he wants to fulfill it, to meet Merlin's expectations. He has seen the shadow behind the fool and hopes that maybe one day, the fool will be willing to remove his mask for him, just once, to expose the true shadow beneath.

**End.**


End file.
